Don't let the new design deceive you. This time of year, particularly this year, is a real bitch for me. I love Christmas, don't get me wrong. I love deciding what to get for people, going shopping, buying wrapping paper and ribbon and sticky tape. I love writing the cards and wrapping the presents and bursting at the seams to tell people what I got them! This year, I was more organised than most other years. I posted my cards by the 10th of December, also posted stuff to WA so it would have 10 days to make its way to Albany. I bought my housemate some practical things and even our latest visitor a little something.
The thing I hate is people taking their families for granted. Wait...it just occurred to me that about this time last year I may have been posting practically the same thing. But wait, there's more. I won't go on with last year's tangent. Instead, I'll say how sad I am today. People are so up and down with me. I mean, one minute they're super nice. Then they're ignoring me. I can't really take this love/hate shit for much longer. In fact, I'd had just about enough today. I had a big cry in the shower, snot dripping down my chin like a little kid, sobbing in the shower so no-one else could hear me. Did I want them to hear me? Maybe. Did I want them to find me with my wrists slashed in all my nakedness? Not so much. I didn't go that far, not to worry. I'm just being silly. So I'm either invited to something or I'm not. If you don't want me to go, don't invite me in the first place. If you're only inviting me because there's other people present expecting me to be invited, just 'fess up and say that I'm not invited. If you really don't want me to tag along, pull me aside and say "Hey, I'd rather you not come along". I promise I won't wash a bottle of Panadol down with an even bigger bottle of Vodka. I'd rather to be just told the truth. Which brings us back to families. I wish this year that I was with mine. It's been a while since I've had a WA Christmas. It's been pretty much forever since I've not worked on Christmas Day. So when I get all excited about the fact that I won't spend Christmas day at work amongst my peers eating delicious pork and other such tasty morsels because I've been "invited" to a family do, I don't want to feel unwanted. And I do. I'm pretty sure these feelings are purely Christmas-related. Also a feeling of unwantedness is destroying me because perhaps the person I really, really liked didn't know it and got himself another girlfriend. It's not that I don't like her. I just find myself having to be nice to her. Because that's what I am - a nice person. Unwanted, yes. Unloved, slightly. Except I know there's love coming from the other side of the country, for sure. Gotta love family. But it's those that are immediately close to me, not in family, but in proximity, that I wish would show me more love.
Cancel Christmas? Yes, please.
